Delores stands next to a pink rosebush planted by counseling center staff to honor her courage and bravery.
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you
~ Maya Angelou
As a trauma therapist, I had the honor of working with Delores in her courageous journey toward healing. Delores came to me with one request—to help her die without fear. All her brothers who had sexually abused her as a child were deceased. She was afraid they would harm her in the afterlife.
Delores had endured her abuse alone. It took her 79 years to release the shame she had felt since age 4. Delores trusted my staff and me to walk bedside her on her healing journey. Receiving her trust was humbling. Delores worked hard in therapy, embracing various therapeutic modalities: individual, group, art, sand tray, and music.
I learned a lot from Delores. She asked me to share her story to educate and give hope to fellow survivors that healing is possible no matter how old you are. She wished someone had told her she was not alone. She wished she had received help when she was younger.
Delores was able to shed the shame she had carried for decades. She was able to place the shame where it belonged—on her abusers. My last conversation with Delores occurred shortly before her death at age 84. When I asked her if she felt afraid, she smiled and said, “No, I am at peace. I feel safe. I am not afraid.”
My Voice
by Delores
Imagine being a little girl
Imagine being 4 years old and playing
Imagine playing with your older brothers
Pretending
Imagine the play changes
It does not feel right
Imagine not having the words to explain why playing with your older brothers
Is no longer feeling fun
No longer feeling safe
Imagine wanting to tell your mother
But imagine being afraid you will get into trouble
For something feels wrong
The fun you were having changed
You were told to be quiet
Not tell
You knew you might be disciplined too
But you were not sure why
Did you do something wrong?
Was it your fault?
It all feels confusing
You just want to be a little girl and play
All you know is you want it to stop
You are afraid
If you tell your mother
Will she believe you?
Will she tell your father?
You are already afraid of him
You saw him hit your mother and brothers
Will he hit you, too?
For playing
That somehow turned so, so wrong
So you choose silence
Not consciously
Just instinctively
All you have is your mind to protect you
You go within
You go quiet
Into the recesses of your mind
To survive the terror
The attacks on your body
The terror that started at age 4
And continues until age 15
Sometimes by one of your brothers
Sometimes all three at once
You never know when it will occur
You never feel safe
You go within
To survive
That is all you know to do
Go within
You sometimes hide
You are quiet
And you are good at hiding
Hiding sometimes saves you
You hide outside
Under the pink rosebush
You find safety in your rosebush
It is large and pretty
Yet it has thorns that hurt too
Symbolic of protection of the beauty and fragility of the flower
The same beauty and fragility you have as a child but just never know it
You hide under your rosebush
Your sanctuary of safety
Time moves on
You become an adult
You try to move on
You pack up the pain
Push it deep down inside
And you try to forget
But it nags at you
You have a hard time feeling positive
You have a hard time looking people in the eye
You have a hard time feeling safe
You always sit with your back to the wall and facing the door
People wonder why you seem angry all the time
You struggle with depression
You just want to be left alone
You just want to feel safe
But you do not know how to
All you know is how to do is go within
You “live” this way for over seven decades
Until you realize
The terror you felt as a child is still inside your soul
The little girl who is you is still afraid
And wanting to be free
You take the step
The courageous step
And tell your story
For the first time in over 75 years
You speak your truth
Many question you
Some even boldly ask you directly
Why now?
Why haven’t you moved on?
Why?
Why did it take you so long?
Their questions feel almost accusatory
Like you did something wrong by waiting
And that is confusing too
Too close to the confusion you felt as a child
You have to choose to quiet the voices in the outside world
To try to understand
Why you choose now to tell
Why it finally feels safe to speak your truth
You choose to step out of the darkness
You choose to release the shame that has cloaked your soul
You choose to step out from hiding under your symbolic rosebush
You choose to be seen
You choose now to stand tall beside your rosebush and embrace its beauty
As you learn for the first time ever to embrace your own beauty
To share your truth
But why?
Why did it take so long?
Because
Finally
You feel safe
All of your abusers are dead
It is safe to come out of hiding and to be seen
You risk and allow your story to be shared
To educate
About what individuals do to remain safe
Within the recesses of their own souls
While being violated
To shed light into the thick darkness of ignorance of society
To ask each of us to step outside from where we hide
In order to protect ourselves from our own discomfort
To challenge each of us to examine why we may waiver on
Taking a stand against childhood sexual abuse
Why we might waiver on believing the child or, decades later, the adult
Why we might cast out ignorant comments like
Did that really happen? Come on it has been decades!
I can’t recall what I had yesterday for lunch
Yet alone what happened to me decades ago
I am the little girl who hid under the pink rosebush
My name is Delores
I step out and risk for only one goal
To educate
To advocate
To protect children
It is not strangers attacking our children
It is the people we know and trust
The people our children know and trust
It is happening
And it is up to each of us to decide what to do
I challenge each of you to look within
I challenge each of you to have the courage to be the voice for a child
Who cannot speak for herself or himself
I challenge each of you to confront the ignorance of individuals, families and institutions
Who condemn and question victims who, like me,
May wait for decades
To voice the truth of their childhood
To finally feel safe to share their story
I challenge you to do the right thing
Stand up and say no to child sexual abuse
Stand up and protect our children
Even if it means standing alone
Delores originally granted permission to share her story and poem at a Child Sexual Abuse Vigil.